Stupid Craigslist resumes

It's been a long time since I've taken a swipe at the job-seekers over at Craigslist, so, since the election season is over (and the Titans' season, as well, at least figuratively), I thought I'd resurrect one of my favorite Stupid segments.

Ready for some fun? Me, too!

First, in the category of "where the hell did you learn grammar,"

Ex-FBI computer "security" expert seeking employement

I am not sure why "security" would be in quotation marks, but if he/she means "security" the way the Bush administration has been providing it, then that makes some sense.
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(by the way, these are all straight copy and pastes. I do no much-needed editing of the craigslist posts.)
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Ad #2:

Nanny for Professionals

I think this should probably be posted in the "Casual encounters" section, if ya know what I mean.
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Ad #3

(Please note that this is probably not fair of me, but the irony was just too delicious for me to pass up)

University English Teacher Seeks Work Editing, Writing or Tutoring

This one you'll have to click through to read. Go all the way down to her resume. Note the formatting. Ensuring formatting is correct is a part of proofreading, as I recall. Whoops.
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In the "Things are tough all over" category:

Guitarist Seeking Work

Gosh, there are out-of-work guitarists in Nashville? Will wonders never cease?
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In the "Someone who really knows what he wants" category:

Sales guy in Atlanta seeks company to work for in Atlanta Ga

Also, keep in mind that this was posted in the Nashville Craigslist. Atlanta has its own.
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Last but not least, in the "What, you don't know who I am?" category:

Adraine Knight

Why do people work so hard on platitude-laden objective statements? No shit, you want to help the company and improve your skills. Isn't that the point of a job, after all?